Psychology of marriage; what makes relationships succeed (or fail)

Introduction: the wedding season of marigolds, roses, and love.

It is winter season; the season of weddings in India. Having attended a fair share of marriage ceremonies in my lifetime, one of the most consistent lessons that I have gathered through these celebrations is that marriage is a "lifelong conversation" - two people evolve where some days are filled with laughter while others seem like you are communicating in two different languages. But observing these festivities I have recently pondered over the psychology underlying lifelong partnership, from compatibility to the always-evolving dynamics of love. Likewise, this article will take insight from both traditional and modern psychology to understand how love and compatibility shape long-term successful relationships.

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The Foundations: What Makes a Marriage Work?

In almost every media type, marriage is described as a tango between two individuals who tend to adapt to different rhythms over time. These theories on marriage underscore the psychological dynamics essential in attaining this harmony. Robert Sternberg's triangular theory of love outlines three key components (intimacy, passion, and commitment) crucial for a fulfilling partnership (you can read my blog here!).

But are there psychological theories on marriage as well? Yes, there are!

Psychological Theories of Marriage

1. Attachment theory: This theory outlines that early attachment styles—formed during childhood—tend to dictate how individuals connect with each other. That is, attachment style influences communication, trust, and conflict resolutions (Mendelson, 2024). For instance, individuals with secure attachments tend to communicate more openly and resolve conflicts effectively. While, individuals who have an anxious attachment style often fear abandonment and thus, require constant reassurance from their partners. In a couple where one craves reassurance and the other craves independence — understanding these attachment styles can help the couple to bridge any gap in their relationship (Mendelson, 2024).

2. Social Exchange Theory: This theory outlines that marriages thrive when rewards outweigh the cost and lead to mutual satisfaction. Mutual is the keyword here! For example, in a couple, when one individual takes on caregiving responsibilities while the other provides financial security, the couple's marriage will likely be a success if both perceive fairness in this arrangement (Thibaut & Kelley, 1959). And when this balance tips, then dissatisfaction emerges, highlighting the importance of reciprocity in relationships. Hadden et al. (2015) found that in modern dynamics, shared emotional vulnerability and reciprocal support play essential roles in marriage success. For instance, partners who actively acknowledge each other's contributions report greater satisfaction.

3. Equity theory: This theory highlights the role of "fairness" in the success of marital relationships, where both patterns feel that their contributions and benefits are in balance (Walster et al., 1978). Moreover, Dainton (2019) explored how perceptions of fairness can change over time. For instance, couples who adapt by re-distributing responsibility fairly such as by alternating parenting duties, tend to experience prolonged relational harmony. This underscores the importance of both flexibility and ongoing conversation in maintaining this fairness.

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Compatibility: The Elephant in the Room

Often, we have heard the phrase how "Love is not enough". But if it is not, then what are the other things that fill this gap? This is where the concept of compatibility and incompatibility comes in. It is possible to fall in love with a partner you can be incompatible with, but for the success of any relationship, you require compatibility. So that being said, the psychology of incompatible couples often outlines mismatched values, communication styles, and different emotional needs that tend to become common issues in these scenarios. Despite a strong emotional connection, these challenges can lead to dissatisfaction and even strain if not addressed.

Spotting Incompatibility

1. Different life goals: Individuals with different goals - such as prioritizing career advancement versus focusing on building a family - tend to struggle to align their life paths. Rosta-Filep et al. (2023) studied these conflicting ambitions and found that life goal irregularities were one of the most common predictors of dissatisfaction experienced by a couple. When both partners fail to establish any or some mutual priorities, they tend to experience infulfillment in their relationship, hence, leading to breakups or divorce.

2. Conflict styles: The most common conflict styles passive-aggressiveness versus open confrontational can lead to unresolved issues and amplify stress. Bouchard et al. (2023) found that effective communication is often overlooked in a couple that has different conflict resolution styles, leading to miscommunication and misunderstandings.

3. Value clashes: Values relating to financial habits, religious beliefs, and family values/ roles tend to cause tensions. These fundamental differences, if not addressed, lead to waning satisfaction levels throughout the relationship and increase the likelihood of separation (Kelley et al., 2018).

Managing Incompatibility

While incompatibility can certainly make a relationship difficult to manage, it does not necessarily doom a relationship. Some studies highlight how certain strategies such as cultivating gratitude, setting boundaries, and focusing on shared goals can be used to bridge major differences between two individuals in a couple. Some of these strategies are:

1. Open Communication: Addressing these differences early on in a relationship fosters mutual understanding. It might seem redundant to talk about open communication, however, it is one of the most effective tools to resolve conflict or to work around incompatibility in marriage (Kalubanga & Namagembe, 2022). Couples who discuss these conflicts promptly have reported higher satisfaction (Gociekova et al., 2024).

2. Focus on shared goals: Van Duyn's (2024) research on cross-cutting relationships, where partners had different political views, displayed that successful couples focused on finding overlaps in values and morals. They tend to establish boundaries around topics that cause conflicts and maintain open communication to avoid any long-term resentment toward one another. Such studies prove how using a mix of different techniques can help a couple overcome incompatibility and strengthen their commitment to one another.

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The Psychology Behind Arranged Marriages

Particularly common in cultures such as India, arranged marriages are an intriguing field to study. The psychology behind arranged marriages differs from that of love marriages, where compatibility in values, family background, and long-term goals is prioritized over initial romantic attraction.

Family Involvement: The Psychological Safety Net

One of the most essential factors of arranged marriages is the involvement of family which provides a psychological safety net for both individuals involved. The emotional support provided by the extended family is often seen as a stabilizing force that reduces feelings of loneliness that many tend to experience in marriages, especially during challenging times such as childbirth. Kiecolt-Glaser and Newton (2001) found that families act as a supportive network that helps couples resolve their marital conflicts and contribute to long-lasting successful relationships.

In many cases, families get involved in the matchmaking process to ensure not only compatibility but to ensure that the partner fits both social and familial contexts which can be important in successful marital relationships (Jaiswal, 2014).

Challenges of Arranged Marriages: A Complex Reality

One of the primary reasons critics cite against arranged marriages is the misconception that they limit one's independence and choice. In some cases, while this might not be the case, the psychological impact of this limitation - especially for individuals who prioritize independence over other traits - can be tremendous. In modern contexts, autonomy is of grave importance to the youth, therefore, the concept of arranged marriages can be repulsive. Banse (2004) found that many individuals tend to feel pressured by their family expectations which leads to dissatisfaction and Derkzen et al. (2008) found that younger generations struggle with this more as their desire for autonomy and expectations of family involvement can sometimes lead to tension and resentment.

Concluding Advice: Embrace growth and love

Marriage is both a psychological journey and an emotional and legal union. Whether exploring theories on marriage, managing challenges in an incompatible partnership, or understanding love theories, understanding the psychological perspective behind relationships can help one build stronger bonds.

The secret to a successful marriage is not always dependent on finding the "right fit" but on being willing to grow and adjust with one another. This is a concept that we explored through the psychology behind arranged marriages. The multifaceted nature of arranged marriages which has both benefits and challenges, prioritizes compatibility, stability, and family involvement. The commitment to shared values and family support does play an essential role in ensuring long-term success in martial relationships.

At the same time, with the evolving trends and perspectives of generations that tend to value personal autonomy in marriages, will shape the future of different types of marriages in cultures around the world.

FAQ Section

1. How do personality traits affect marital satisfaction?

   Research has displayed that couples sharing similar personality traits tend to display higher marital satisfaction levels. For instance, couples that have a high level of agreeableness and emotional stability have less or minimal conflicts compared to couples displaying high levels of neuroticism and introversion (Saeed Abbasi, 2023). However, couples with differing personalities are successful if they have complementary traits such as one being spontaneous and the other being more structured, ensuring a harmonious balance (Stahnke, 2022).

2. Can marriage improve mental health?

   Yes! Marriage can have a positive impact on mental health especially when a relationship is stable and provides a supportive environment. Moreover, married couples display low levels of anxiety and depression in comparison to individuals not in a couple or marriage. This is even more pronounced for individuals who provide emotional support to one another in their marriage (Saeed Abbasi, 2023). However, marriage can have the opposite effect in an unhappy or conflict-overloaded relationship. Such marriages can take an emotional toll on both partners causing stress and amplifying mental health issues (Zautra et al., 2024).

3. Why do some people stay in unhappy marriages?

   The reasons for this are usually very complex and can vary widely. Research suggests that the fear of loneliness, financial concerns, and the desire to maintain family stability are some of the primary reasons why individuals tend to stay in unhappy marriages (Manning & Payne, 2020). Also, individuals who have lower self-esteem or those who have been raised in dysfunctional family environments tend to find it harder to leave an unsatisfactory marriage. Even attachment styles such as individuals displaying anxious attachment style fear leaving an unhappy relationship as their fear of abandonment outweighs their desire to leave a negative environment Banse (2004).

4. How does financial stress impact marital relationships?

   Financial stress is one of the primary causes of conflict in marriages (Garbinsky et al., 2024). Usually, these financial hardship experiences put a strain on the couples leading to strained communication and a reduction in intimacy. However, how couples handle this financial stress plays an important role in marital satisfaction. Couples who work as a team and address these problems without blaming or withdrawing from one another are likely to build a strong bond (Kelley et al., 2018).

References

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• Dainton, M. (2019). Equity and relationship maintenance in first marriages and remarriages. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 60(8), 583-599.

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